As soon as I read this quote, it struck a cord because honestly, today was a really, really bad anxiety day. Extreme emotional highs, and then extreme emotional lows (like, “crying to Mom over the phone that I’m just so TIRED of feeling this way ALL the time” “I THOUGHT 2016 WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER LOL #newyearnewme” emotional lows. It happens, folks).
Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly low, I find myself trying to remember what my life was like before I could put a definition to why I acted the way I acted, or felt the way I felt. Was I happier? Was I a better problem solver? Was I less lonely? Was I less afraid to drive a car? I don’t know. All I know is that–today especially–it’s exhausting to overanalyze why you overanalyze.
But that’s okay, because we get through it. Nothing is permanent. I may feel like my depression and anxiety threw me so far away from who I am, but maybe that means I get to find myself all over again.
So this week I stumbled across a little blog on Instagram called Anxiety Support and fell in love with it in about five seconds — basically the length of time it took me to read: “Silence isn’t always golden.”
This photo pretty much sums up where I’m at right now. But part of ending the stigma of mental health means that just because we’re not in the best place doesn’t mean we stop talking. I’ve been seeing the same therapist weekly (yes, weekly) for 13 months and yesterday morning was the first time I let myself cry in front of her. Work has become my safe haven, in part because our loving, very deserving little nonprofit (826LA) is currently in a campaign to win a $100k grant, but also because at home my energy plummets to zero. Talking to even my closest friends has been difficult. Pulling myself out of bed to go to CHURCH has been next to impossible the past few weeks, which if you know me you’d know how frustrating that is.
I don’t mean for this to be an oh-woe-is-me post; rather I just want to highlight the ups and downs that come with depression. Depression makes you feel like you don’t care at all. Anxiety makes you feel like you care too much. Having both is like a constant battle in your brain where it’s like bad guy vs. bad guy and the good guy is just on the sidelines like wait… BUT, on a more positive note, I have a surprise that I will be announcing to you all on next week’s #FeelWhateverYouWantThursday! Also, the iPhone updated so now we have 150+ new emojis.
Hang in there, peeps. Slow and steady wins the race 🐢💕
Keep on keepin’ on.